Welcome Back to Hell

There’s a reason that I believe that every single reality competition in America should be judged by the same three people. Regardless of what type of competition—singing, dancing, variety acts, cooking, surviving on a deserted island (with or without a smoke monster)—the judges should be Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, and Gordon Ramsay. Simon’s brutal honesty gets us through the midseason Idol drudgery, Piers is the sole voice of reason and clarity on America’s Got Talent, and Ramsay, whether it is an original or American incarnation of his various shows, accepts no excuses for failure. And of the three, Gordon is the most entertaining, which is why I was so excited for the season premiere of Hell’s Kitchen.

Sixteen aspiring chefs congregated on the set of this year’s competition and found a surprise waiting for them: a press conference created by Ramsay to hype the show. Ramsay dropped jaws (mostly the contestants’, since I’m guessing much of that “press” was there for effect) by announcing that this year’s opening dinner service would be completed. Now, if you’ve watched this show before, you know that shut-downs during dinner tend to happen regularly in the first four to six services, and can continue all the way up to the final five or four. That being said, I admit that I didn’t think it was truly possible for Ramsay to make good on his promise, though I don’t think anyone was ready for how he planned to do it. But more on that later. First, we meet the contestants.

Following a strange makeout session between Ramsay and a contestant (who was actually his wife, revealed in a Mission Impossible-style de-disguising), Ramsay sent the hopefuls back to the kitchens to prepare their signature dishes. Every year I hope for something to top what is, in my mind, the greatest signature dish presentation ever, when Louis Petrozza pulled the top off a gourd and proudly declared, when asked by Ramsay what his dish was, that it was “hen in a pumpkin.” Sadly, no one came close to this, though there were a few dishes that made Ramsay smile. What was more interesting was getting to know some of the contenders:

Holly is a banquet chef from San Bernardino. She believes she can win by playing the “cute factor,” because she can cook, and she’ll “look good doing it.” Nothing makes me happier than when someone says something like this, and thanks to the miracle of editing, the next shot is of said person falling down. Needless to say, I was happy.

Salvatore moved to America from Naples, Italy twenty-one years previously, though he still speaks with a thick Italian accent. Why? “Causa tha girls! Theya likea tha accent!” I actually hate this guy so much that, when he later burned scallops—twice—during dinner service, I wrote down, “Burned the scallops twice…f***ing accent, what a douche.” He will be eliminated quickly. I hope.

Andrew is going to win after every other contestant mysteriously disappears from the dorms. Fear not, though, he will not win by default: Ramsay will be exceptionally impressed with Andrew’s recipe for “Mystery Meat Wellington.”

Mikey, a line cook from Santa Cruz, impressed (read: scared) everyone with his fanatical love of Hell’s Kitchen, which was depicted by the great—and by great I mean large, not good—pitchfork n’ logo he got tattooed on his abdomen. He also sports a pompadour-like Mohawk (Pompahawk? Mopadour?), which, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I seem to like.

The signature dish test was the first challenge of the season, and Ramsay wasted no time in splitting the teams up by gender and calling one person from each team up at a time. The boys won, earning a prize to be announced later. At this point, Ramsay announced what the winner of this season would win: the Head Chef position at Ramsay’s restaurant in the Savoy Hotel, the famous West End hotel in London. This was big news to the contestants, but all I could picture in my mind was Al Bundy chained to a prison wall, saying he stole a “towel from the Savoy.”

Everyone retreated to the dorms for a night of studying to prepare for opening dinner service the next day, but before anyone could get too comfortable, a fire alarm sounded, calling all the contestants back down to the kitchen. In the kitchen was a television, playing a video lesson of Ramsay teaching the contestants how to properly cook one of the HK favorite appetizers, lobster risotto. Not crab risotto, mind you, but lobster risotto. And yes, that is important for later. Anyway, after being dismissed back to the dorms, this fire-alarm procedure repeated itself numerous times, each time leading to a different video lesson on how to prepare a dish, all the way past two a.m. After a night of running up and down the dorm stairs and alternately studying their recipe binders and Ramsay’s videos, the contestants retired for a nice, long sleep…

But the girls were awakened with the rising sun, told that their punishment for losing the first challenge was to make breakfast in bed for the guys. This they did, and with very little complaint, actually, which was nice; it seems that, as each season progresses, teams become more and more bitchy about whatever their punishment is, until the every confessional from losing team members is nothing more than vitriol against their opponents. But for now they were cool about it, and the boys certainly enjoyed it (“Isa thisa every day?” asked Salvatore).

Dinner service began with Ramsay assigning Jay and Nilka to tableside preparation of Caesar salad. Unlike seasons past, there seemed to be little drama surrounding the tableside work (at least, none was shown). Scott took an early leadership role, trying to rally his team during dinner prep, which of course led to complaints from other contestants (in this case, blue-haired Jay). I’ve never quite understood this; whenever someone tries to be vocal and lead, everyone just jumps all over them, never for a moment stopping to ponder whether or not that person might just know what the hell he or she is talking about.

Early on, Siobhan jumped to the aid of Stacey, who had just before presented Ramsay with over-curried, raw scallops. Mistakes were the name of the game for the girls, who time after time halted service with raw or badly-prepared food. Stacey stood out in this, as stated above, as did Fran, who put crab in the lobster risotto (I told you it mattered), then admitted to Ramsay that she was afraid of him. Things similarly went sour on the men’s side; besides Salvatore’s aforementioned eff-ups on the scallops, Benjamin tasted a dish for flavor, for which we all jumped up and cheered—Ramsay has to remind people so, so, SO often to taste the food!—only to be jarred back to reality by Benjamin putting the spoon back in the food.

Ramsay’s ire came to a head after Scranton native Maria laughed as he scolded the girls for undercooked beef. Before I go on to what he did to her for this, I’d like to point out that this is the first time a Scranton native has appeared on any reality show I’ve watched. I was excited to see her on this, and after seeing her perform, I can say with assuredness that I cannot wait for her to get eliminated. She was annoying, loud, and obnoxious, and though she didn’t really get a chance to show whether or not she could cook, she ingrained herself in my mind (and, from comments on posts about the show, many other viewers’ minds) as this year’s Suzanne, but with less talent.

By the way, did anyone else hear that obnoxious, braying laugh? I think it’s fitting that, after seven seasons of Ramsay calling people “donkeys,” we finally have a real one on the show.

The donkey laugh pushed Ramsay over the edge; in a fit of outrage, he kicked Maria, Fran, and Jamie out of the kitchen, which raised the question: why Jamie? Either they didn’t show what mistakes, if any, she made, or she was, as Darren Franich pointed out at EW, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. From the boys, Benjamin and Salvatore (who, by this point, I was convinced was just a cartoon character acting alongside real people, just like Roger Rabbit) also got the boot, followed by Mikey for two raw halibuts in a row.

At this point, Ramsay combined the teams, and Ed emerged as a leader, keeping well-composed throughout the remainder of service. Service ended (not by shutdown, woohoo!) and Ramsay assembled the troops, including the booted contestants, to announce a losing team: the girls.

Here followed the obligatory four-minute reel of “Why do you think I did worse than her?” and “Yeah, I served raw pork seven times, but did you see what SHE did?” Okay, while the hyperbole might have gone too far, it always amazes me how often HK contestants can look one another in the eye and suggest that their own mistakes were somehow less offensive than others’ errors. In the end, the girls made their choices, relayed to us by Autumn (Ramsay always seems to pick a strong performer to give nominations), who announced that Stacey and Fran—who hates Autumn, apparently because Autumn didn’t screw up as much as she herself did—were on the chopping block.

In the end, chef to the stars Stacey walked the long walk of shame, while Ramsay hung up her jacket and set her face on fire. Er, the picture of her face.

So, any early front-runners in your opinion? Do you think Ed or Autumn are the ones to watch? And who'll be the first to fight back against Ramsay?